Yes boys and girls in the listening audience, today’s sermon is going to to center around evil. Not the sort of evil that destroys anything and anyone in it’s path without pity or remorse like a Terminator. Not the sort of evil that swallows entire worlds like some biblical many faced demon, but a more insidious evil. An everyday evil. A subtle, sneaky, shifty, salacious evil. Probably salacious doesn’t fit there that well, but it was the only other S word that came to mind almost immediately.
I captured a picture of the evil just this morning to share with you all before I wrestled with it. I would like to say that I battled with it, was triumphant, and then threw the vanquished evil down unto the earth from whence it came. I was afraid to do so however, even after it lay bested and beaten before me.
You see, some things are so inherently evil they are even more dangerous in defeat. While this sounds bad on an almost horrific sort of level what is even worse about this particular evil is that it has been designed for children. Yes, you heard me right, our children.
It was my loving wife who first exposed me to this evil, not out of any kind of twisted or maligned sort of urge for revenge. At least that’s what I tell myself. Rather I like to think that she did it out of listening to a fond remembrance that I shared with her from when I was but a wee lad.
A lot of my fond remembrances center around food. I like food. A lot. In this instance it was canned peaches. Ma would cut them up and put them in the jars whereupon they would hide in the root cellar for what seemed an interminable length of time. Once they were deemed fit for consumption I’d eat them and drink their juice and put them on ice cream and eat them and eat them and eat them and drink their, well you get the picture. I actually had to swallow a mouthful of drool there or it might have leaked out of my mouth a little, kind of like what happens to a very hungry dog sometimes.
As you may have deduced by now the this ordinary everyday evil came in my lunchpail, slipped inside by my wonderful (and hot) missus. Those among you in the listening audience who are particularly astute, will also have surmised that the evil has something to do with peaches. It is not the peaches, or the juice that comprise this atrocity, this barefaced villianousness. (That was good, lots of s s s’s) It is the container.
Some of you may have already seen the picture of the evil, by cheating and scrolling down. In fact I am not sure how I will make this work on the Facebook because it always wants to put the picture first. We’ll deal with that when we get there.
Here it is, looking all innocent, sweet and delicious. Like an egg that doesn’t peel properly, now you can see why I was so afraid to throw it down upon the earth once I had outclassed it’s devilish lid:
For the last three mornings I have hungrily fought this evil and each time though I defeated it I could not do so without either winding up with a sticky spot on my desk all day that just seemed to stay sticky no matter how much I licked it. Or after today’s onslaught I came out looking looking like the village idiot who sometimes pisses himself:
All this for three tiny spoonfuls of peaches and a half a mouthful of juice. I’m going to try my luck with a juicebox next. Yes my pants are still sticky.
Keep the lube on your chain!